Everyone has those moments that you re-evaluate your life and the way you treat those around you. Everyone has those moments where your weaknesses come to surface and you accept those weaknesses and want to do something about them. Today is one of those moments for me.
Today I was watching LDS General Conference and heard a few talks. But the ones I heard most were the last two. Elder Holland and our new Prophet President Monson.
I think that as men and providers we often times let those around us live their lives and think as long as they have money to pay for those lives they wish to live that things will be fine. I guess throughout my life I've never had friends that really truly were my friends. I have one friend in particular right now that has been the truest friend I have had next to my wife. He is always doing all he can to try and help me out with anything. He seems to want me to succeed even more than I do.
Lately and for the last 2 years or so I have really been a miserable husband and father. We recently had our second boy in January and I feel like I'm a good father or at least better than most, but I feel like they aren't getting the father out of me I could be. The same goes with being a husband.
My wife has sacrificed so much and has really been put in an unfamiliar place. She has always been a career woman and she has more education than I do. I don't know if she ever dreamed of being a mother like I dreamed of being a father. But she has stepped up and really become a great mother that I admire and love to see be a mother. Like what was said in General Conference today, being a mother (and father) isn't always full of joy but it is full of great little moments that make life so much better, easier, and worth it. My wife was mostly raised by her father during the day and had an interesting, or has an interesting relationship with her mother. She is just like her and hopefully she doesn't take offense to that. I hate to see her struggle but know I don't help her struggles at times. She is by far the most beautiful woman I have ever met in my life and will ever know in this life and beyond.
As a father, a husband, and a man you often times find the value you have in the amount of money you bring home. I'm readjusting my perspective so I can re-evaluate things and judge my value based on the smiles I can put on my wife and children's faces. Life has really been difficult these last few years and my testimony of Jesus Christ has been shaken and my life has been altered tremendously. I'm not about to give up the most amazing time in my life and the most amazing people in my life because "it's hard". I love my wife more than she'll ever know and my boys beyond comprehension.
One thing that rang loud and clear for me today was that I have a lot to work on. Most people are thinking well duh. My wife and I's relationship has struggled and I always blame a portion of that struggle on her. I'm realizing that I can't do that. If I want things to change I have to take full blame so I watch all and everything I do. With my margin of error being so great I may change 50% of things if I shoot for 100%. My wife is perfect the way she is. I just need to take responsibility for the way WE are.
My son Branson is such a great kid. He's 2 1/2 now and knows everything. He is so well behaved and we have been blessed by having him in our family. I hate the fact that he doesn't always get my full attention and I am going to change that. My little one Trey is at the age where he does one thing, smile when you give him your attention and look into his little eyes. His smile is so inspiring and motivating.
Faith has become much more than just a thought of truthfulness. It's becoming a lot more of a reaction. I've always hated all those people that are so perfect. I recognize most people are just pretending to be perfect. I just wish we would all come as we are so that we could be exposed to the truth and so we could help one another out better.
I have committed today to live every moment for the rest of my life for my children and wife. To never neglect the ones I love again. I've always been one to help anyone who asks for my help out. I've always put myself after everyone else and I have found out that doing that now as a husband and father means that I put everyone else above my wife and children. That's messed up I know so I have officially quit helping people unless my family is taken care of. That includes you church people. Wards and Stakes will change but my family won't.
From this day forward I live my life the way that God intended us all to.